Timing..

Have you ever wanted something so bad that you feel like life wont be complete until you get it? What if this need/want was something you had absolutely no control over, you just had to wait for the "perfect timing"? I have. This wasnt a foolish desire, or material object, this was a baby. I wanted so badly to be a mom that I was willing to try anything, any medicine, herb, special diet, special way to have sex, certain underwear; I put my body (and mind) through HELL to do everything in my power to have a baby. I spent most nights during this process having some crazy thoughts. Granted mostly because I was on all sort of hormones, or at least I am hoping it was because of the hormones. But regardless, I slowly became a different person. I allowed myself to feel pity on myself, I had a lot of anger-A LOT OF ANGER, and mostly I felt alone. These "crazy" emotions or roller coaster that you put yourself through is something people dont talk about. There isnt a whole lot anyone can do to make you feel better, including your spouse, or significant other; so you feel very alone. Most stories I read or information my doctors provided me with all talked about peoples journey to become pregnant, and from what I remember, they all had a happy ending. Some took years, some took months, but they eventually concieved. Ill be honest, luck in the medical department isnt on my side. If there is some random ailment, it will find its way to my body. I firmly believe I would never have my own child. I spent 18 months torturing myself with these thoughts. I hated my friends and co-workers who became pregnant, I had a hard time being happy for anyone who was getting to experience the things I so badly wanted. I wanted to hunt down the women (kids) in the news delivering babies in bathrooms and leaving them in the trash, or on someones doorstep. How could they so callously discard something I was trying SO HARD to get. The whirlwind that I was going through over the 18 months time wasnt something I thought much about after the fact. Nor was it something I would wish upon anyone. I too got my happy ending, and by happy I will admit-it was a miserable pregnancy, a scary and drawn out labor, but I am ever so grateful that I got to experience every single minute of it and wouldnt change it for anything. In fact, it was such a lengthy process to conceive the first time, I didnt think much of birth control afterwards and "perfect timing" finally graced me with an experience. It wasnt a winning lottery ticket, but it was another beautiful pregnancy. My apologies if you sense my sarcism. I truly wanted to have children close in age, but I had convinced myself it wasnt possible, so it was a surprise, but one that I embraced. As of late, I have been sitting by watching someone close to me go through a similar emotional roller coaster that I, and so many other experience. This has prompted a lot of "reminicing" of my "crazy days". I would love to be able to say that I have been there for support and done everything in my power to be the person this special person needs, but I havent. I have been the exact person that I wanted to punch in the face when I was going through it all. I have been trying to cheer her up with my coaxing to wait it out.. but who the hell am I!?!? I cant control any of this. I can only hope that she knows I am there for her no matter what, and I will not judge if she totally breaks down with frustration. I know I needed a person for that, and I had nobody. Well, maybe I did, but I didnt know it. I follow another blog where the woman who owns it had a child, tried desperately to have another, and after 2 or 3 years of "trying" and multiple miscarriages decided to give up and adopt. They now have 2 children, 1 biological and 1 adopted, and a lot of heartache in between and she has found herself pregnant, and much older than she would have considered her prime pregnancy age. Why is it that we in most cases have to accept the worst case scenario before being blessed with a positive outcome? I guess the purpose of my rant is this.... this is such a common thing, for women to want desperately to become a mother and carry their own child, but their body isnt cooperating for one reason or another. With all of our technology and modern medicine, why isnt this something one could opt to check out at an early age-rather than wait until we decide we are ready. Why not know if everything is in working order? In the same instance, would it be such a bad thing to be able at a younger age to decide you never want to have children, thus eliminating some unwanted pregnancies? Im sure my thoughts spilling onto this blog could spark so many different debates, I am not political AT ALL, and I dont care to deal with any of that, but I feel that I have valid ideas and Im sure Im not alone...