Craziness

As much as I love the idea of blogging, I cant manage to keep up with it. Its been a while, not for lack of something to write about that is for sure. There is quite a storm brewing in my head. I have so much going on in there of things I want to get out on paper or some sort of formal documentation so that I have it, but dont have to constantly have it whirling around my head. Phew.. I have spent the last 4 months dealing with carpal tunnel in my R hand. This has not been fun to say the least. I am now nearing the end of what I consider to be my treatment, although Im sure the doctor will have their own opinions, and I cant be more happy to have this behind me. I spent the first month feeling sorry for myself, I couldnt do anything, and I basically just shut down and had a pity party for myself. I gained weight, lost sight of the important things, and just felt crappy overall-not to mention I wasnt working because of the pain and limitations in my hand. I was able to get back to semi-normal once I convinced the doctor to let me work a little. I have been working part time for the past 3 months. This has helped me tremendously from a mental standpoint. I was able to focus on something positive and get back to a little bit of normalcy. Part time work though, is not fun. I am about to start back full time on Monday and I honestly feel like I need a vacation. Soon enough..

How do you know?

How do you know when its time to make a change? Is it when you stop worrying about what everyone will think? Is it when you finally feel confident enough to be alone? Is it when you know you have tried everything you possibly can and it still isnt working? Is it when you are feeling so absolutely defeated that this is the only option left? Im scared to get to that point, the point of no return. The point where I know I have already lost myself and then I have to take the step and lose everyone else around me. But Im also scared to death to force my kids to grow up even remotely how I did, with a broken family, a tug of war between parents. I know I am not happy all the time. I know that I am sick and tired of making excuses. Im tired of feeling alone all. the. time. What I dont know is what I need to make me happy. I just know that I want things to change. Its so easy to revert focus when kids are involved. Its so easy to put off the inevitable because its too complicated or not the right time. Who knew being an adult was so freaking complicated.... Is it bad that my solution to all of these questions I face is to just take my kids and walk away from it all. Walk away from everything and start new. I know this wont change anything, and things will just continue in their downward spiral; which is why I am still here making excuses.

Of Mice and Men...err...men and mice..

We have mice in our house. I have yet to see a living mouse, yet I continue to find the little presents they are leaving in the most random disgusting places in my house-basement shelves, cupboard, mudroom bench. I will be the first one to admit, I have some obsessive tendancies. I also am a complete germ FREAK. With that said, Im sure you can imagine how I am handling the above stated DISASTER. My brain has not stopped. I have read every article that I can get my hands on in regards to trapping mice, preventing mice, sealing your house, detecting "mice doors" into the home.... Im so full of all the "knowledge" that the world wide web has given me that I am having trouble sleeping at night, I am spending a fortune on cleaning products, scrubbing my house and my kids and OBSESSING over how in the world these little buggers have made their way into my house. I spent roughly an hour last night examining my house with a flashlight. Im not sure what exactly I am looking for, but I was trying to find some sort of answer as to how these things have gotten in. We have lived in our house for 6 years and NEVER had mice. Last night we put out 5 traps, 3 have since been thrown out because they caught a mouse. GROSS. I have been ranting on and on about how we are going to resolve this issue that I discovered Wednesday night, and the hubby seemed to act as though it was no big deal. That was of course until he was picking up the dead mice this morning that our traps had caught.... now he wants to call someone. I feel like that is the automatic answer for all of our problems.."Who do we call?", "Can you call someone?", "Do you know someone to call?". GRRRR... We are not made of money, therefore we should not live as though "calling someone" is no big deal. To me, "calling someone" translates to "$$$$$". We are literally just paying someone for sheer convenience. I have a problem with that. Am I looking forward to catching mice and cleaning day after day for the next week or two until this thing is taken care of, NO, I would like some help. But the help I am seeking is from my husband, not from the ORKIN man... and not at the expense of a couple hundred dollars. Needless to say, this is only day 3 of the mice infestation. I am trying to think on the positive, there were 5 traps out and only 3 mice caught.. could that be it?? BAHAHAHA.. yeah right. Here is to hoping.. Tonight, I will be on a rampage.

Timing..

Have you ever wanted something so bad that you feel like life wont be complete until you get it? What if this need/want was something you had absolutely no control over, you just had to wait for the "perfect timing"? I have. This wasnt a foolish desire, or material object, this was a baby. I wanted so badly to be a mom that I was willing to try anything, any medicine, herb, special diet, special way to have sex, certain underwear; I put my body (and mind) through HELL to do everything in my power to have a baby. I spent most nights during this process having some crazy thoughts. Granted mostly because I was on all sort of hormones, or at least I am hoping it was because of the hormones. But regardless, I slowly became a different person. I allowed myself to feel pity on myself, I had a lot of anger-A LOT OF ANGER, and mostly I felt alone. These "crazy" emotions or roller coaster that you put yourself through is something people dont talk about. There isnt a whole lot anyone can do to make you feel better, including your spouse, or significant other; so you feel very alone. Most stories I read or information my doctors provided me with all talked about peoples journey to become pregnant, and from what I remember, they all had a happy ending. Some took years, some took months, but they eventually concieved. Ill be honest, luck in the medical department isnt on my side. If there is some random ailment, it will find its way to my body. I firmly believe I would never have my own child. I spent 18 months torturing myself with these thoughts. I hated my friends and co-workers who became pregnant, I had a hard time being happy for anyone who was getting to experience the things I so badly wanted. I wanted to hunt down the women (kids) in the news delivering babies in bathrooms and leaving them in the trash, or on someones doorstep. How could they so callously discard something I was trying SO HARD to get. The whirlwind that I was going through over the 18 months time wasnt something I thought much about after the fact. Nor was it something I would wish upon anyone. I too got my happy ending, and by happy I will admit-it was a miserable pregnancy, a scary and drawn out labor, but I am ever so grateful that I got to experience every single minute of it and wouldnt change it for anything. In fact, it was such a lengthy process to conceive the first time, I didnt think much of birth control afterwards and "perfect timing" finally graced me with an experience. It wasnt a winning lottery ticket, but it was another beautiful pregnancy. My apologies if you sense my sarcism. I truly wanted to have children close in age, but I had convinced myself it wasnt possible, so it was a surprise, but one that I embraced. As of late, I have been sitting by watching someone close to me go through a similar emotional roller coaster that I, and so many other experience. This has prompted a lot of "reminicing" of my "crazy days". I would love to be able to say that I have been there for support and done everything in my power to be the person this special person needs, but I havent. I have been the exact person that I wanted to punch in the face when I was going through it all. I have been trying to cheer her up with my coaxing to wait it out.. but who the hell am I!?!? I cant control any of this. I can only hope that she knows I am there for her no matter what, and I will not judge if she totally breaks down with frustration. I know I needed a person for that, and I had nobody. Well, maybe I did, but I didnt know it. I follow another blog where the woman who owns it had a child, tried desperately to have another, and after 2 or 3 years of "trying" and multiple miscarriages decided to give up and adopt. They now have 2 children, 1 biological and 1 adopted, and a lot of heartache in between and she has found herself pregnant, and much older than she would have considered her prime pregnancy age. Why is it that we in most cases have to accept the worst case scenario before being blessed with a positive outcome? I guess the purpose of my rant is this.... this is such a common thing, for women to want desperately to become a mother and carry their own child, but their body isnt cooperating for one reason or another. With all of our technology and modern medicine, why isnt this something one could opt to check out at an early age-rather than wait until we decide we are ready. Why not know if everything is in working order? In the same instance, would it be such a bad thing to be able at a younger age to decide you never want to have children, thus eliminating some unwanted pregnancies? Im sure my thoughts spilling onto this blog could spark so many different debates, I am not political AT ALL, and I dont care to deal with any of that, but I feel that I have valid ideas and Im sure Im not alone...

9/11

September 11 is one of those days stuck in my mind that I can remember like it was yesterday, I can recall where I was, what the weather was like, who I was with and how I felt. Honestly, there are probably less than a handful of days like this for me. On this day, I experienced a different kind of stress, and worry. I experienced a different kind of pain and grief. And unfortunatly the feeling just kept happening for days afterwards. I was lucky, I didnt lose anyone, anything, just my personal feeling of comfort and safety. So many people lost so much on that day and I know I have a lot to be thankful for. I know for me, I have a difficult time each year on this day because there is so much coverage providing reminders of just how daunting this day was back in 2001. I cant imagine if I were one of those who lost so much on that day, having the constant reminder year after year, as I can imagine each day is difficult; but reliving the horrific event cant be an easy feat. I have been trying to avoid the media coverage for the past week and will continue to do so for today, as I do not care to relive the feelings I had during the attacks on this day 12 years ago. My thoughts are with those who became a part of history on this day.

Unfiltered

Is it wrong to expect a lot from people? Particularly family and friends? Am I at fault for being let down when someone fails to meet my unwritten standard for them? I have been toying with this for about a year now. I have swayed back and forth, at times thinking I'm to blame and others feeling so alone with nobody to count on but myself.

Am I creating these high, apparently unattainable, standards in an effort to inadvertantly protect myself from ever letting anyone get too close?

Have I completely failed in the theory that not all kids that come from a fucked up childhood or single parent- or no parent family have to be fucked up adults?

 I really thought I had this figured out. I really thought that I could prove that you determine your own destiny, you can let your past be your past and not let your past be your excuse for your future.

Then I stop and think about these things that I've dealt with and they don't make me feel anymore, I talk about it like a story I read... So it's impossible that they are in any way controlling my present decisions or actions or expectations.... Right?!?!?

I know I am happy with myself, the mother I have become and the person I hope to always be. What I need to do is convince myself that it's ok if nobody else agrees with that. My kids are happy and safe and that is my top priority.

I am a loving, caring, extremely judgmental, sarcastic, trustworthy, genuine person and I can stand by that 100%. Maybe I need a sign to remind myself of this. I need to work on not letting people's shitty choices get me down.

Whew... I needed that rant... Now maybe I can sleep better tonight!

Random conversations

My evening yesterday consisted of many bazaar conversations with the little ones..

B-man came to me and said "Hey mom, just so you know, if you ever see a hippo and think its bleeding, its probably just hot"

Me-with baffled look on my face- "why is that?"

B-man- "hippos sweat red, so sometimes people think they are bleeding"

Me- "ok buddy, thanks. If I see a hippo anytime soon I will be sure to not get concerned"

B-man- "your welcome, I just didnt want you to be worried"

Me- "to be honest, if I ever saw a hippo, I would probably be running away, I wouldnt be so concerned as to whether they were bleeding or not"

B-man- "you shouldnt run, it will chase you"

this carried on with scenarios on how I should react to a "bleeding hippo"....

AJ spent the day counting how many times he ate with a tooth missing.. then from about 4:00 pm on, started with the what ifs...

what if the tooth fairy has a tiny fairy body and a big scary face?
what if I wake up when she comes to take my tooth?
what if my light in the night lights up and scares her away?
what if my brother is up and she doesnt come?
what if I wake up and she is just looking at me?

then we went into...
are fairies real?
what does the tooth fairy do if nobody lost a tooth?
what does her house look like?
does the tooth fairy ever sleep since she is going to hong kong china when we are awake and then has to come to us when we sleep?
why does the tooth fairy like teeth?
what does the tooth fairy look like?
doesnt the tooth fairy want another job?
do people hire fairies?
are there other faires that arent tooth fairies?

By 8:00 I needed ear plugs.

Both kids went to sleep great, we did have to put the tooth in a ziploc bag and rest it on the ladder of the bunk beds so that the tooth fairy wouldnt come near AJs pillow, or him for that matter.

AJ woke up at 9:30, and then again at 10:15 and said he was done sleeping and the tooth fairy still hadnt come yet. Once he was asleep the tooth fairy come to visit and both mom and dad went to bed.

We were woken up at 2:20 to B-man, just coming to tell us the tooth fairy came.. soon followed by AJ whom he had to wake up to share the good news. Both kids were in our room talking about the dollar bill ($5) that the tooth fairy brought and I sent them back to bed.

They both woke up again at 5:15 only to replay the last part because they were both still half asleep, so seeing that the tooth fairy had actually came was a surprise to them again.... OYE!!

Have I mentioned that they are on summer vacation and have been up before 6:00am all week!?!?!?

How does one teach a child to sleep in???