How do you know?

How do you know when its time to make a change? Is it when you stop worrying about what everyone will think? Is it when you finally feel confident enough to be alone? Is it when you know you have tried everything you possibly can and it still isnt working? Is it when you are feeling so absolutely defeated that this is the only option left? Im scared to get to that point, the point of no return. The point where I know I have already lost myself and then I have to take the step and lose everyone else around me. But Im also scared to death to force my kids to grow up even remotely how I did, with a broken family, a tug of war between parents. I know I am not happy all the time. I know that I am sick and tired of making excuses. Im tired of feeling alone all. the. time. What I dont know is what I need to make me happy. I just know that I want things to change. Its so easy to revert focus when kids are involved. Its so easy to put off the inevitable because its too complicated or not the right time. Who knew being an adult was so freaking complicated.... Is it bad that my solution to all of these questions I face is to just take my kids and walk away from it all. Walk away from everything and start new. I know this wont change anything, and things will just continue in their downward spiral; which is why I am still here making excuses.

Of Mice and Men...err...men and mice..

We have mice in our house. I have yet to see a living mouse, yet I continue to find the little presents they are leaving in the most random disgusting places in my house-basement shelves, cupboard, mudroom bench. I will be the first one to admit, I have some obsessive tendancies. I also am a complete germ FREAK. With that said, Im sure you can imagine how I am handling the above stated DISASTER. My brain has not stopped. I have read every article that I can get my hands on in regards to trapping mice, preventing mice, sealing your house, detecting "mice doors" into the home.... Im so full of all the "knowledge" that the world wide web has given me that I am having trouble sleeping at night, I am spending a fortune on cleaning products, scrubbing my house and my kids and OBSESSING over how in the world these little buggers have made their way into my house. I spent roughly an hour last night examining my house with a flashlight. Im not sure what exactly I am looking for, but I was trying to find some sort of answer as to how these things have gotten in. We have lived in our house for 6 years and NEVER had mice. Last night we put out 5 traps, 3 have since been thrown out because they caught a mouse. GROSS. I have been ranting on and on about how we are going to resolve this issue that I discovered Wednesday night, and the hubby seemed to act as though it was no big deal. That was of course until he was picking up the dead mice this morning that our traps had caught.... now he wants to call someone. I feel like that is the automatic answer for all of our problems.."Who do we call?", "Can you call someone?", "Do you know someone to call?". GRRRR... We are not made of money, therefore we should not live as though "calling someone" is no big deal. To me, "calling someone" translates to "$$$$$". We are literally just paying someone for sheer convenience. I have a problem with that. Am I looking forward to catching mice and cleaning day after day for the next week or two until this thing is taken care of, NO, I would like some help. But the help I am seeking is from my husband, not from the ORKIN man... and not at the expense of a couple hundred dollars. Needless to say, this is only day 3 of the mice infestation. I am trying to think on the positive, there were 5 traps out and only 3 mice caught.. could that be it?? BAHAHAHA.. yeah right. Here is to hoping.. Tonight, I will be on a rampage.

Timing..

Have you ever wanted something so bad that you feel like life wont be complete until you get it? What if this need/want was something you had absolutely no control over, you just had to wait for the "perfect timing"? I have. This wasnt a foolish desire, or material object, this was a baby. I wanted so badly to be a mom that I was willing to try anything, any medicine, herb, special diet, special way to have sex, certain underwear; I put my body (and mind) through HELL to do everything in my power to have a baby. I spent most nights during this process having some crazy thoughts. Granted mostly because I was on all sort of hormones, or at least I am hoping it was because of the hormones. But regardless, I slowly became a different person. I allowed myself to feel pity on myself, I had a lot of anger-A LOT OF ANGER, and mostly I felt alone. These "crazy" emotions or roller coaster that you put yourself through is something people dont talk about. There isnt a whole lot anyone can do to make you feel better, including your spouse, or significant other; so you feel very alone. Most stories I read or information my doctors provided me with all talked about peoples journey to become pregnant, and from what I remember, they all had a happy ending. Some took years, some took months, but they eventually concieved. Ill be honest, luck in the medical department isnt on my side. If there is some random ailment, it will find its way to my body. I firmly believe I would never have my own child. I spent 18 months torturing myself with these thoughts. I hated my friends and co-workers who became pregnant, I had a hard time being happy for anyone who was getting to experience the things I so badly wanted. I wanted to hunt down the women (kids) in the news delivering babies in bathrooms and leaving them in the trash, or on someones doorstep. How could they so callously discard something I was trying SO HARD to get. The whirlwind that I was going through over the 18 months time wasnt something I thought much about after the fact. Nor was it something I would wish upon anyone. I too got my happy ending, and by happy I will admit-it was a miserable pregnancy, a scary and drawn out labor, but I am ever so grateful that I got to experience every single minute of it and wouldnt change it for anything. In fact, it was such a lengthy process to conceive the first time, I didnt think much of birth control afterwards and "perfect timing" finally graced me with an experience. It wasnt a winning lottery ticket, but it was another beautiful pregnancy. My apologies if you sense my sarcism. I truly wanted to have children close in age, but I had convinced myself it wasnt possible, so it was a surprise, but one that I embraced. As of late, I have been sitting by watching someone close to me go through a similar emotional roller coaster that I, and so many other experience. This has prompted a lot of "reminicing" of my "crazy days". I would love to be able to say that I have been there for support and done everything in my power to be the person this special person needs, but I havent. I have been the exact person that I wanted to punch in the face when I was going through it all. I have been trying to cheer her up with my coaxing to wait it out.. but who the hell am I!?!? I cant control any of this. I can only hope that she knows I am there for her no matter what, and I will not judge if she totally breaks down with frustration. I know I needed a person for that, and I had nobody. Well, maybe I did, but I didnt know it. I follow another blog where the woman who owns it had a child, tried desperately to have another, and after 2 or 3 years of "trying" and multiple miscarriages decided to give up and adopt. They now have 2 children, 1 biological and 1 adopted, and a lot of heartache in between and she has found herself pregnant, and much older than she would have considered her prime pregnancy age. Why is it that we in most cases have to accept the worst case scenario before being blessed with a positive outcome? I guess the purpose of my rant is this.... this is such a common thing, for women to want desperately to become a mother and carry their own child, but their body isnt cooperating for one reason or another. With all of our technology and modern medicine, why isnt this something one could opt to check out at an early age-rather than wait until we decide we are ready. Why not know if everything is in working order? In the same instance, would it be such a bad thing to be able at a younger age to decide you never want to have children, thus eliminating some unwanted pregnancies? Im sure my thoughts spilling onto this blog could spark so many different debates, I am not political AT ALL, and I dont care to deal with any of that, but I feel that I have valid ideas and Im sure Im not alone...

9/11

September 11 is one of those days stuck in my mind that I can remember like it was yesterday, I can recall where I was, what the weather was like, who I was with and how I felt. Honestly, there are probably less than a handful of days like this for me. On this day, I experienced a different kind of stress, and worry. I experienced a different kind of pain and grief. And unfortunatly the feeling just kept happening for days afterwards. I was lucky, I didnt lose anyone, anything, just my personal feeling of comfort and safety. So many people lost so much on that day and I know I have a lot to be thankful for. I know for me, I have a difficult time each year on this day because there is so much coverage providing reminders of just how daunting this day was back in 2001. I cant imagine if I were one of those who lost so much on that day, having the constant reminder year after year, as I can imagine each day is difficult; but reliving the horrific event cant be an easy feat. I have been trying to avoid the media coverage for the past week and will continue to do so for today, as I do not care to relive the feelings I had during the attacks on this day 12 years ago. My thoughts are with those who became a part of history on this day.

Unfiltered

Is it wrong to expect a lot from people? Particularly family and friends? Am I at fault for being let down when someone fails to meet my unwritten standard for them? I have been toying with this for about a year now. I have swayed back and forth, at times thinking I'm to blame and others feeling so alone with nobody to count on but myself.

Am I creating these high, apparently unattainable, standards in an effort to inadvertantly protect myself from ever letting anyone get too close?

Have I completely failed in the theory that not all kids that come from a fucked up childhood or single parent- or no parent family have to be fucked up adults?

 I really thought I had this figured out. I really thought that I could prove that you determine your own destiny, you can let your past be your past and not let your past be your excuse for your future.

Then I stop and think about these things that I've dealt with and they don't make me feel anymore, I talk about it like a story I read... So it's impossible that they are in any way controlling my present decisions or actions or expectations.... Right?!?!?

I know I am happy with myself, the mother I have become and the person I hope to always be. What I need to do is convince myself that it's ok if nobody else agrees with that. My kids are happy and safe and that is my top priority.

I am a loving, caring, extremely judgmental, sarcastic, trustworthy, genuine person and I can stand by that 100%. Maybe I need a sign to remind myself of this. I need to work on not letting people's shitty choices get me down.

Whew... I needed that rant... Now maybe I can sleep better tonight!

Random conversations

My evening yesterday consisted of many bazaar conversations with the little ones..

B-man came to me and said "Hey mom, just so you know, if you ever see a hippo and think its bleeding, its probably just hot"

Me-with baffled look on my face- "why is that?"

B-man- "hippos sweat red, so sometimes people think they are bleeding"

Me- "ok buddy, thanks. If I see a hippo anytime soon I will be sure to not get concerned"

B-man- "your welcome, I just didnt want you to be worried"

Me- "to be honest, if I ever saw a hippo, I would probably be running away, I wouldnt be so concerned as to whether they were bleeding or not"

B-man- "you shouldnt run, it will chase you"

this carried on with scenarios on how I should react to a "bleeding hippo"....

AJ spent the day counting how many times he ate with a tooth missing.. then from about 4:00 pm on, started with the what ifs...

what if the tooth fairy has a tiny fairy body and a big scary face?
what if I wake up when she comes to take my tooth?
what if my light in the night lights up and scares her away?
what if my brother is up and she doesnt come?
what if I wake up and she is just looking at me?

then we went into...
are fairies real?
what does the tooth fairy do if nobody lost a tooth?
what does her house look like?
does the tooth fairy ever sleep since she is going to hong kong china when we are awake and then has to come to us when we sleep?
why does the tooth fairy like teeth?
what does the tooth fairy look like?
doesnt the tooth fairy want another job?
do people hire fairies?
are there other faires that arent tooth fairies?

By 8:00 I needed ear plugs.

Both kids went to sleep great, we did have to put the tooth in a ziploc bag and rest it on the ladder of the bunk beds so that the tooth fairy wouldnt come near AJs pillow, or him for that matter.

AJ woke up at 9:30, and then again at 10:15 and said he was done sleeping and the tooth fairy still hadnt come yet. Once he was asleep the tooth fairy come to visit and both mom and dad went to bed.

We were woken up at 2:20 to B-man, just coming to tell us the tooth fairy came.. soon followed by AJ whom he had to wake up to share the good news. Both kids were in our room talking about the dollar bill ($5) that the tooth fairy brought and I sent them back to bed.

They both woke up again at 5:15 only to replay the last part because they were both still half asleep, so seeing that the tooth fairy had actually came was a surprise to them again.... OYE!!

Have I mentioned that they are on summer vacation and have been up before 6:00am all week!?!?!?

How does one teach a child to sleep in???

And so it begins..

School vacation that is!!

Both kids have successfully completed Kindergarten and 2nd grade and are moving on.

AJ woke up this morning on his 1st official day of summer vacation, and his 1st tooth fell out!! He was SO excited!! He quickly advised me that he will not be placing his tooth under his pillow for fear that the tooth fairy (that he doesnt fully believe in because it seems way too far fetched that there are actual fairies buzzing around) will be entirely too close to him while he is sleeping. He would like to put it next to his bed. I think we will look for a special little sack to hang on his bed post for future tooth fairy visits seeing as this madness has just started.

B-man has taken to his sleep walking as of late, Im not sure if its the stress of being finished w 2nd grade and the transition to a new school for 3rd grade, or if its my parents moving south in the next week that has him extra stressed, but he has been up each night, strolling the upstairs. I will say I am glad that he isnt peeing like usual, but these sleep walks get a little weird.

The boys will spend this week with Dad, doing boy things around the house and likely embarking on some daily adventure to get out of the house.

I find myself wondering at the end of each school year how I can land myself a job where I get summers off. I think I woul dhave so much fun hanging with the kids each summer. There is so much to do and who wants to be doing "chores" on weekends or summer vacations!?!?!? Not this girl!!

Maybe someday I will figure out what I wanna be when I grow up and it will involve summers off. :)

School..

The school year has almost ended for the boys, they have the rest of this week and then 1.5 days next week. It seems crazy that AJ is finishing Kindergarten, and B-man will be heading to a new school to start 3rd grade!!

We will end the school year with the tradition of ice cream sundaes. B-man has always LOVED this, I feel like it isnt all that fitting to reward AJ w/ a sundae seeing as he doesn't enjoy the milky treat nearly as much and usually ends up with a tummy ache soon after. We may have to compromise on that one.

I have begun my shopping for summer supplies to prepare the boys for summer camp. I have gone through all of their stuff from last year and am quickly reminded how gross their things get. Everything is slightly gritty from the sand and smells of overused sunscreen-if that even makes sense.

I have also started showing them the proper sunscreen-ing technique so that they will be properly protected all summer.

Lets hope they finish up the school year on a good note and we can kick off the summer right!!

Recap

B-man successfully completed his first communion and confirmation last weekend. Much to our shocking surprise!! And I should clarify that these are both completed in our eyes. The church does not consider him to have made his communion because although he went up to be blessed individually with the rest of his class, he refused to accept the host into his mouth. This as I have said numerous times is something that will likely not take place until he is at least 15 or so. We will all wait for that time to come and until then, we will check this off our list.

As of late the kids are both getting very antsy!! They are both ready for school to be OVER!

I have to admit, I am also ready for it to end. As the weather gets nicer and the sky stays bright longer, its harder to stay on schedule and get the kids inside for dinner at a reasonable time, which then delays all of the other things to follow-homework, shower, bed time, and god-forbid we try to do anything as a family.

This my friends-is why I will never move away from the 4 seasons. I love having to stay inside and be cozy warm while having some quality family time. On the flip side-it gets old, especially having 2 growing boys who need to get outside and burn some energy, so I enjoy summer just as much.

Maybe someday when I am older and still trying with all of my might to hold on to every bit of youth I can muster (AKA mid-life crisis) I will want to be in the warm weather 365 days a year.. but its unlikely.

*%#%!@#*%^&*#$%.......

That is me breathing a HUGE sigh of relief!!!

Saturdays sacraments went very smoothly considering how I had imagined they would have played out.

B-man NEVER ceases to amaze me.

He woke up Saturday morning by alarm at 6:00 am.. he was quite grouchy, as were we all and patience was about as low as it can get this early in the morning on a day that we are tying to just let be what it is going to be. There was a lot of screaming and name calling, but he pulled through, and we were at the church ready to go in no time.

B-man was greeted by both priests, who tried their best to put him at ease and encourage him to do whatever he felt ok doing. I could not have been more happy about this.

Each step of the ceremony we were literally on pins and needles coaxing him through the next step, and he did it ALL!!!

He literally did it ALL! We could not have been more proud.

Needless to say the simple bribe of an early birthday present-his new bike, was something he couldnt wait for afterwards. We convinced him to wait until Sunday, and he agreed.

Sunday morning he was up at 5:30 am asking to go to Walmart and pick up his new trick bike :)

4 more days

The countdown is on for this holy event in our family to take place. I have a lot of mixed emotions running through my head. And yes, they are running around in my mind and will not rest. I cannot stop thinking about this weekend. And I really cannot even begin to express how happy I will be on so many levels once this event is over with!!

The act of communion and confirmation is supposed to be this great event celebrated by family and close friends to welcome your child officially into the catholic faith and begin their journey with god.

In our house, the meaning and celebration has been completely thrown aside because the sole act of having B-man be forced to do something that requires him to talk to others is a feat of its own. This has literally consumed me.

Tonight is the rehearsal for Saturdays events. Tonight we can still hand hold and encourage (drag) him along step by step.

Saturday is the real test. I have spent the last 2 weeks discussing this event and how it will go step by step and what is expected of him, so that he can mentally prepare for what is going to take place.

Initially his primary concern was the accepting of the host. He will not put this in his mouth. He will not accept it because he knows he is supposed to eat it, this is not going to happen. My child will not eat meat because it is animal, he is clearly not going to eat the host because it is the body of christ. My solution to this, is to teach him to willingly accept the gift from the priest and then hide it in his hand to give to his father once he returns to his pew. Yes, I have actually taught my child to smuggle the host. I have had quite the mental battle with this.. is it right? definately not; is it the best solution? definately. I have contemplated asking them to not give it to him, or trying to have this done another way, but I feel this would just be complicated.

Now that I have resolved his major concern, all should go smooth right? Hahahaha,... here is to hoping!!!

2 more years and I will be doing this for AJ.. I have a hunch that one will be much smoother.

NEED vs WANT

I will be honest, I dont view myself as indulgent, or greedy. I definately have issues of overspending, and also finding the most ridiculous reasons to convince myself that my purchase is completely worthy.

I must also add, that my purchases are not usually for myself, but for others, or for our home. My mind is a constant flurry of activity in things I would like to do, or things I should do, and things I NEED to do.

Today the husband and I sat down with a good, wise, family friend; who laid it all out and sort of put me in my place.. .or maybe put the flurry in my head to rest, and in perspective.

He asked me flat out-tell me things you NEED in the next couple of months.

I sat there trying to muster up something that I NEEDED. Surely I have come up with a list of approximately $6000 worth of things that I WANTED.. but really none of it was a need. I couldnt even think of a far-fetched reason that one of these wants could be moved over to the need column. And yes, I did try to think of them too!!

This thought alone has convinced me just how messed up my mind is. how messed up is my train of thought.

Here I am going day to day thinking I am teaching my children the proper values and encouraging them to be giving, caring boys.. but I cant even think of a time that they didnt get just what they wanted.

In an effort to try and curb my over-spending, I am going to focus on that sole question that I was asked this morning... "Do I NEED this?"

Retreat

We spent the good part of Saturday at a church retreat w B-man. I will be honest.. I was completely dreading this. Mostly because I dont believe the age of 7/8 is proper timing for catholic children to do both their first communion and confirmation. I feel like this is a whole ton of information for their little minds to take in, and I also believe that the meaning of what is being done is lost along the way.
I always thought that your confirmation was more your affirmation that you made as a "sort of" adult in consenting that you were actually making the decision to follow the catholic faith. It sort of gave you the control to make a decision for yourself at an early age, but one that could impact you for years to come.

I am now ushering my child to move forward in something he doesnt completely comprehend, and I dont feel great about it.
And, aside from all of this mental turmoil that I have going on, I am also dealing with B-mans asperger-ish tendancies in going through all of this. He is not on board.
He does not want to talk to anyone, he does not want to be the center of attention.
I have used every form of bribery I can imagine, and am also carrying around the unblessed body of christ in my car in hopes of getting B-man to try it before he has to do this in front of our church and priest. EEK!! I have been assured that because this is "unblessed" that it is totally fine to be carrying around.. but it just feels wrong.
Speaking of feeling wrong, I have spent the last 2 days trying to teach B-man how to hide it and pass it along to his dad because thus far he is refusing to even touch it. He is very literal, and he doesnt eat meat because it is animal bodies, does anyone really think he is going to put GODS body in his mouth!?!? Seriously.. its unlikely.

We have a practice ceremony the 14th and then the real deal the 18th... fingers crossed..

cell phones

When did this become such a critical part of my life!??!

I know I am aging myself, but I remember being a senior in high school and desperately NEEDING a car phone, so I got one. Mind you, nobody else had one, so my calls were minimal therefore making my phone bill fairly minimal as well.

Even 5 or 6 years ago, there was simply still just a cell phone, no data, texting or apps to be concerned with. My monthly bill was closing in on $100 for myself and my husband, and this was outrageous... so it was something being monitored and action taken.

Now, I am part of a plan with 3 other people, and have 6 lines attached. We each have a phone line, we have our home line and then we have a tablet attached. This bill is RIDICULOUS.

I am trying to squash the overspending, but in looking at the plans available, it looks like we are not able to save at all based on what we all use it for.

There lies the problem... when did my phone become such a NEED for me?? How would I be without my phone?

I have made an honest effort over the past couple of months to try and leave my phone at the door. I had started to notice that my children were also depending on my phone for games and that it was becoming too important to us all, also driving a wedge into the time we were together as a family, so I literally, leave my phone at the door, on the counter-close enough to hear if a call comes in-of which I may choose to not answer, but far enough so that none of us feel the need to grab it and play a game or start texting.

Welcome to 2013 when the art of conversation is out the window. The majority of use have lazily hidden behind the art of texting. This not only allows you to be more bold and hide behind your cell phone, but it also allows your grammar to be tossed in the trash. This leads me to one of my greatest fears for my children.. they will be dumb, but it will be ok, because their society and their generation will be dumb with them. The term dumb is being used very loosely because it is left to interpretation for sure.

Yes they will be lacking the knowledge of grammar, punctuation, speaking skills, a level of confidence in themselves. But they will be SO SMART in how to copy, paste, browse, search, create, game; their mind will be able to do things that I cannot even fathom.

I have to trust that moving forward, as they grow up and enter the real world that this will be ok. This will be the norm, and those people looking to hire them or accept them into some sort of university program will also realize that they are the norm, and it will be ok..

I would still like for my children to be able to carry on a conversation face to face, to have to deal with someone making fun of them to their face and having to in turn respond to that to the little brats face, and to also deal with heart ache and the anxious idea of asking a girl (or boy) out on a date when the time comes and having to deal with the excitement to follow or the rejection whatever it may be. I want them to grow up to be confident little men and not only whiz through the internet and whatever technology may be presented to us as they grow up, but also to remember what its like to draw on a piece of paper, write a note, or letter, use a stamp, have a conversation..

Hmm... all this because I wanted to save money on my cell phone bill... hahaha...

End of story.. Im done ranting.

Whirlwind

Do you ever have those moments where you feel like life is just flying past you and as much as you try to slow down and savor every moment, there is just no enough time in the day, days in the week, or time on the weekends??

I feel like my mind is reeling with all of these things I want to accomplish in the next few weeks as well as things I NEED to accomplish or take care of in the next few weeks. Ive tried to mentally create some sort of order for this, timeline so to speak to help organize my thoughts and get priorities straight, but its not going well right now.

I used to rely on lists a lot, and then became overwhelmed with these lists and where to store them and how to group them.

My ranting, AKA blogging has also slowed due to my inability to focus my thoughts on one specific topic, or goal or idea.. or task at hand.

I have given up, my only priority is my kids and everything else should fall into place somewhere around it. It may not be the place I want it to be, or the ideal place for it to land at this specific time.. but I need to let go.

As I type this, I am saying (typing) one thing and trying SO HARD to allow myself to just do what I know is best.. and RELAX and let things be the way they will be, in time, everything will pass and I will be moving on to my next well planned task.. sooner or later.. right?

How does one successfully transition from being completely OCD and planning EVERYTHING to LAX and less stressed!?!?!?!??!

Traveling

This afternoon the kiddos and I will be on the road heading to visit family in Vermont!!

One would think with all this northeast weather that planning a trip in mid April would be deemed "safe". So much for that thought.

The original forecast was that my morning commute to work would be snowy and icy, which was ok as I figured by the time I was out of work and needed to travel, it would be melted.

When I woke up this morning it was sleeting, and on the way into work, they assured me that my drive home would be miserable. Awesome...

Needless to say, it will be snowing inland, so as I travel inland through my rain into the snow and over the mountain, I should successfully experience every weather phenomenon of this front that is passing through the north east. Lucky me.

Here is to safe travels, alone with 2 kids and a brand new vehicle!!

YIPPEE!!!

New wheels

I finally traded in my vehicle for a new one. Anyone who knows me, realizes this is HUGE. I have owned my current vehicle for 4 years. That is a record!!

I did finally find something I love though, and literally just bought a new version of my old car. The color is a smidge different and the inside is upgraded to leather and loaded features...but realistically, its only 2 years newer and feels the same.

On the plus side, I don't have to worry about the infamous blue smoke pouring from my exhaust which I had been accustomed to.

Now to save my pennies for the lovely registration of this beast.. hopefully I don't break the bank doing that!! YIKES!!!

Spring Weekend

FINALLY!!!

It was so nice this weekend, and by nice, I mean-no snow, no rain, no mud and no wet grass. It was a little chilly on Sunday, but the kids were outside the majority of the weekend.

Although it was too cold to stay outside for long intervals, it was nice to be outside and not have to worry about the boys being FILTHY, or soaked.

We had to go to Walmart to buy the small furry one some food, and of course, his $4 bag of food turned into a $100 shopping trip.

Both boys were behaving so I let them pick a small toy. B-man picked out a package of water balloons with a spout for the hose, and AJ picked out a bubble set. Needless to say Im sure B-man will run out of the balloons prior to when it is actually warm enough to fill them and toss them at each other, but he isnt quite grasping what I am saying with that topic.

This week is scheduled to the hilt and will likely be a crazy one!!

Preview-
Today, wait for call on new car and go sign paperwork, and then K leaves tonight for a few days. Also, our nephews bday was yesterday and some cake is in order for tonight, likely at our house.
Tuesday-another nephew is having a concert at school, and I will be working late since K is gone and I will have morning child duty and afternoon.

I cant even type the rest, the next two days on paper is making me anxious. :)

Sleepy

I once read that there is no such thing as "catching up on sleep". That in fact if you attempt to do this, you mess up your internal clock even more than you did on the night or nights when you missed out on the Zzzz's in the first place.

This past weekend I missed out on a lot of Zzzz's. Mostly due to the early morning wake up call from the kiddos on Easter morning, and the late bed time the night before from staying up to clean my house and prepare for the following day.

The past 2 mornings I have not wanted to get out of bed. This morning particularly, I felt as though I could stay in bed all day and sleep the day away.

Unfortunately, the alarm kept going off every 10 minutes, so I decided by 6:00 am that I should get up and head to work. 

As I sit here typing, all I can think about is how comfortable my bed and pillow would be and its literally like its calling my name right now. If I had my pillow, I could curl up under my desk and snooze; or maybe I can head out to my car and nap.... this is honestly all I am thinking about.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!?!?

Doing the job I do, I can easily convince myself that there is something medically going on, and that it is serious and could even cause death. Yes, I know I am slightly looney. But I am being honest. I could really convince myself of this with no problem at all and have the tools to convince others that I am right.. its sick.

I am trying not to think about the potential cause for my fatigue, and also trying not to remind myself of the useless knowledge that I once read about not ever catching up on sleep.

The mind is a crazy thing... mine particularly is completely out of control this morning.

Happy Easter!!

Its only mid day here, I have been up since 5 am with the kiddos excited to see what the Easter Bunny brought them. I have to admit that has been one of my worst Easter's yet and the day isn't even over, yet I feel confident deeming it as such.

As annoying as it was for the kids to be up at 5 am it was nice to finally have them behaving as I remember as a child with the excitement and anticipation of their full baskets and running to find hidden eggs. So, the day started nicely, but I knew that based on their 5am wake up call the day wouldn't end so great. I was hoping however that it would be later and closer to bed time.

By 8 am I was graced with B-mans screaming. There are days when it is easy to forget he has aspergers. We are quickly reminded by days like today. It is 12:56 and I have already been screamed at a handful of times, told that I don't care about anyone, and informed by b-man that he hates me at least 3 times.

Hopefully the day gets better, and I hope anyone reading has a great Easter!!!

Progress

Last night was parent/teacher conferences for B-man. Thankfully he is progressing well and doing fantastic this year. Its such a big difference from last year. I honestly would like to forget 1st grade even happened for him. My fear now is that AJ will be placed in the same class that B-man was and I really disliked the way the teacher handled her class.

Im leaving the placement up to fate though. AJ is so different from B-man that it sort of makes me giggle to think of how Mrs. U will deal w him. Ha.

After the conference we picked up the boys and brought them to dinner at the pub. Both boys love going there, yet they always seem to find something to complain about.

Once we were home, we decorated our easter eggs for the Easter Bunny.

This event took place without any mess, to be noted-every year there is ALWAYS a spill, and the majority of them are by ME when I am cleaning up. Last night was perfect!!

We have 12 colorful eggs out for display for the EB.

Jobs

I have had less than a handful of real jobs in my entire life. I have plenty of babysitting that I have done, but in terms of real, time clock, boss to report to jobs, I can only recall maybe 4.

I had my fun stint at the local sporting goods store in highschool. this was a fun spot to catch up on gossip on the weekends and get a discount on all the new stuff that came out that I NEEDED. And of course, there were plenty of boys that worked there that were fun to hang out with.

I also had a sort of position at the gym during high school. I worked in the child care room, I also had some shifts to help people use the equipment, and operate the tanning beds. Anyone who knows me, knows this was seriously a joke job.. but I had a blast doing it.. or not doing it.

Then there was the restaurant/ice cream shop. This is where I learned the most. The most about who I was and who I wanted to be in the real world. I came and went all through high school, college and then some adult life. I quickly realized that I wasnt going to be in the restaurant industry and left to come to where I am now... Insurance..

If I was asked what I wanted to be when I grew up, working in insurance was the furthest thing from my goals. It still is for that matter.

I have gotten to have a glimpse of the medical side of things, which I love. I do not love blood and needles, so this job gives me the opportunity to learn and develop without having to deal with my fears.

I would LOVE to work at a hospital or doctors office. I am so intrigued in the medical field, and LOVE dealing with people. I just cannot deal with blood and needles. I have issues I know.

My current job situation is bleek. I need to get myself into something new before I am completely in a deep hole and figthing tooth and nail to get out of here.

Its a work in progress, but how does one, with 2 young school aged children find a decent paying job that allows for the flexibility of being a parent? Realistically speaking-there isnt one.

Its my mission to find something...

Recovery

The past 3 days have been a complete whirlwind of time keeping for around the clock meds and waiting on a 7 year old hand and foot, and then dealing with a semi-psychotic 6 year old who isn't sure how to handle the lack of attention he is getting. And when I say lack of attention, he isn't neglected by any means, but he isn't getting waited on, so it bothers him.

I have to admit it was a nice change to stay in bed and asleep until almost 11 am today with B-man who usually cant stand missing anything and never stays in bed past 7.

I did have several plans of things I wanted to get done between today and tomorrow and due to my late wake up, I feel that I have in inadvertently put a lot on my plate for tomorrow. EEK.

All in all, B-man is doing well post-op and seems to be on the road to a good recovery and should be back to school in no time. :) Fingers crossed!!

Preparations

Bman has surgery scheduled for tomorrow and although I knew it would be rough, I never anticipated being this worried about it.

I spent a lot of time yesterday back and forth with the hospital and doctors offices to try and figure out how to make him manageableof
 to just get to the hospital. Im still waiting on a call from his pediatricians office.

Him and I went shopping last night, I thought if I made it fun it may ease some of his stress about it all. After an hour

DONATE....

There is a little boy I know, he is 7 and in the 2nd grade. He has a fairly normal life, loves sports and most importantly LOVES to GIVE!!

This little boy has the biggest heart and so much to give. His mind is constantly thinking of ways to help others. I admire him.

Below is a link to his cause. His facebook page explains his goals and I can attest to the fact that he is exactly who he says he is and that he is truly a 7 year old boy on a mission to make a difference in the lives of others.

Check it out....

http://www.drews-shoes.org/

Ice Cream Social

Last night the boys had an ice cream social at their school. They do this twice a year to promote the book sale that they have.

We brought the kids to the book sale, which I knew would be bittersweet. The kids really want to go, both for very different reasons, and then we as parents have to deal with B-man and his behaviour.

Its events like this that make dealing with B-man and his aspergers extremely tough. He wants to go, because he hears everyone talking about it at school, and enjoys being able to pick out something with mom and dad, and of course he LOVES that he can have an ice cream sundae afterwards.

BUT... he gets EXTREMELY ANXIOUS at the amount of people. He has a lot of conflicting feelings since the school gym is a comfortable familiar place to him and the majority of faces are those of classmates and teachers, however, those people are also there with their families!! Which in post cases doubles if not quadrules the number of people there. He cant handle this. Then to add in the fact that he also needs to DECIDE on a book that he wants us to buy.

Needless to say, it was an interesting night. All that B-man wanted for books were preschool like picture books, Im guessing because these were a safe easy choice, vs having to delve into the madness and actually seek out a book he may actually enjoy. I refused to purchase such a book for him because lets be honest, these books arent cheap and I am not going to buy something they will never touch again. So I tried to help and he was relentless in the picture book category, so we took a break and I suggested he go have ice cream.

In the meantime, I helped AJ pick out a few books. Can I just say NIGHT AND DAY.. its amazing that two siblings can be so entirely different. AJ chose 2 books and then went to mingle with his friends.

I spot B-man wandering around aimlessly eating his sundae, wearing most of it either on his face or shirt. EEK!! I quickly sat him down to finish and then hoped to find him some books and leave.

We did agree on 2 books-one baby-ish book and another challenging book for him.

Now we are saying goodbye... again a chance to watch the 2 boys and their ways interacting w peers and teachers.

AJ walks around like he owns the place saying good bye to all his pals and they all know him.

B-man walks over to the table of teachers and stares until one asks him if he is leaving, and he shakes his head and they say bye and he shyly says good bye.

WHEN DOES THIS GET EASIER?!?!?!?

Sleeping arrangements

K and I have spent the last 6 years or so working on a sleeping routine for our kids. I consider us quite lucky in that B-man was sleeping through the night by 4 wks old, and continued this until the past year or so. AJ we weren't so fortunate with when it comes to sleeping; he wakes up at the creek of the floor.

About a year ago the boys started asking to share a bedroom. I was very hesitant to do this because I had to share a bedroom with my brother growing up and I HATED it. Clearly a boy and a girl 3 yrs apart vs 2 boys 18 months apart is not a very good comparison on how the sharing of a bedroom would play out; but needless to say my experience made me delay this as long as possible.

Both boys were in separate rooms, both with full size beds. This posed a conveniently inconvenient issue. If they woke up at night, K or I would just go sleep in their bed, thus allowing them to sleep in our bed whenever they wanted. We chose our sleep over the 2 am argument. As I'm sure one would guess, this got old real quick. (although not as quick as one would think, I'm talking like year or so)

I used the boys wanting to share a room as incentive to get them to remain in their beds. In order for them to share a room, they would need bunk beds-which they both thought would be SO COOL. So I told them they had to sleep in their beds in their rooms for at least 30 days. They did this, and without much difficulty-which I found frustrating, to only find out that a little bribery would work so quickly.

We went through the process about 4 months ago now, to convert B-mans room into the new toy room and now AJ and B-man share a bedroom and have full over full bunk beds.

These bunk beds are monstrous, and open up so many possibilities for a young boys imagination. We have had a jungle, army fort, castle to name a few.

The boys had an endless supply of concerns with this new bed arrangement too. The top was too scary, the bottom too dark, what if I fall, what if I bump my head.. it went on and on for the first week or so.

I am happy to say though, both boys have been sleeping in their beds, through the night for 10 days now.

They currently have a chart with 25 boxes. It takes 21 days to form a habit, so I have given them the goal of 25 days to sleep in their beds and through the night, and every 5 days in a row, they get a prize.

Fingers crossed that this 21 day habit forming rule rings true!!

Mondays

Why are Mondays always so blah. I NEVER want to get out of bed on Monday mornings-even if I don't have to work.

I often wonder if Mondays were made part of the weekend, so no school or work, would Tuesdays start to be as crummy as Mondays once were? Or do we need the extra day to recharge?

I personally think that the 4 days on, 3 days off is much more realistic that the 5 and 2 that is so common.

I spend the majority of my Sunday getting ready for the upcoming week, with laundry, lunch and dinner planning, appointments, etc. So, in actuality I only have 1 day during the "weekend" to relax and spend quality time with my family.

My life balance would be so much easier to achieve if I could use Monday as my planning day and work/school started on Tuesday.

You, know, just in case someone out there cares what I think.. :)

Fun times

I love shopping! It is by far my most favorite thing to do. Yesterday I got to spend time with the kids shopping! A perfect combination of my two most loved things to do- hang out with the kids and shop. They too had tons of fun because it was very leisurely and ALL about them. We went to the mall, the local craft store, and of course Walmart.

The boys got a bazaar array of things...fake glasses, anti-bacterial soap and holders to attach to their backpacks, slippers, pants, wallets, craft beads, stickers and a couple John Deere tractors.

Today we are hanging out with their cousins, I got in some quality nail time with my niece and now we are working on potty training. She is doing great!!

TGIF!!

I have to admit, I expected this week to drag by and anticipate many more bumps than there actually were.

The oldest "boy" was out of town this week for meetings for work. So it was me and the kiddos. This isn't completely abnormal, as K's work schedule leaves a lot of time for just me and the kids; however this was me in the mornings AND after school.

Typically, every weekday but Mondays, I leave the house by 6:00 am for work. K gets up and gets the kids ready for school and then heads to work himself, or goes back to bed depending on his schedule that day. On the flip side, because I am in so early, I am out in time to get the kids after school-well for the most part. We usually have someone get them off the bus and then I am there 10 min later.

This was all on me this week and I thought for sure I would be stressed out and behind at work, and all types of CRAZY would be going on in my house!!

It wasn't at all. Each morning the kids were up and getting ready and I actually enjoyed having some leisurely time at home in the morning, vs getting up, showering and rushing out the door like my usual mornings.

I did work a little later each day, which I don't enjoy at all, but such is life I suppose. Maybe I can look into p/t hours or something, and then have the best of both worlds. :)

Snow

We had another snow storm yesterday. I LOVE the snow. I find myself baffled though at the fact that we live in the state of Maine, are known to get some of the craziest, quirkiest weather; and people STILL drive TERRIBLE in the snow.

My normal 15-20 min drive home yesterday was an hour long. YIKES!!

The kids and I did also have to go the entire night with no TV-I know, imagine that!?!

Hopefully the satellite is in working order when I get home today. (FINGERS CROSSED)

The mind of a 7 year old...

We had friends over last night, by "we" the kids and I. Our neighbors, conveniently each of our best friends, came over to play after school and eat dinner.

The mom-JE, and her 2 boys E and Ry are both the same age as my boys, but 3 months older.

E is 7. He and B-man help each other out a lot, because they are both "different". Having each other has helped them both through some tough times/transitions at school.

B-man doesn't know how to make friends partly because of his AS, and is very socially awkward. Having E living next door to us, makes it easy for them to be friends, they are more like siblings. They fight like siblings, but can always count on each other.

I have known E since he was 2 years old. For as long as I can remember, he has always wanted to play "girl" games, or chooses "girl" toys. I know initially we (his mom and I, and his family) had thought this was just a passing phase and maybe he just needed some male involvement or influence to be swayed to more gender correct likings.

Now almost 6 years later, he is still having the same preference when it comes to toys and clothes, and games he chooses to partake in. Now, though, he has become so accustomed to it, that he enjoys it. He knows that this is what he wants, and has FINALLY been able to find the words to explain and express to all the loving adults in his world, that he is not meant to be a boy. He is a girl, with a boys body.

Honestly, if someone said to me that this was happening to someone they knew, I would probably laugh and assume that the parents are doing something wrong. But I have to say, I have watched this little boy struggle with who he is for 6 years.

He tries to follow the norm, because he has a brother and 2 best buds-also boys that its only natural to want to fit in with, and because most importantly, he -as a 7 year old boy-has to consider how many children at school will make fun of him, or tease him for his choices.

Last night, while JE and I were hoping to catch up on gossip while the kids played together, we spent it COMPLETELY differently. E sat crying about how he doesn't want to pretend to be a boy anymore, he cant hold in his feelings and he wants his hair to grow so people will know he is a girl. And why cant he have been born a girl, and what will they do to his boy parts since he doesn't want them.

I could not wrap my head around it. I am sitting there watching his mother in tears trying to comfort her child, and her child completely out of control and SO SAD because he is a boy and not a girl.

All I wanted to do was comfort him because he is like my own child. There was nothing I could do or say to help him feel better.

He wanted to get up this morning, and put on one of his dresses and cute shoes and go to school as a girl, which is what he wants to do every morning, but he doesn't understand the fear his mother has in him doing this. The conflict and heart ache he will be faced with when he walks into his classroom dressed as he wants to be dressed. I cant imagine being faced with that choice as a parent.

We all want to teach our children to be kind and caring no matter what someone looks like, or how they act. We pride ourselves in the way we raise our children, and hope that they continue to make us proud even when we cant be right there to ensure they are. But society is what it is. I am thankful that my children have also watched Es story unfold and can be aware that this is real life and something that people struggle with and I can only hope that they continue to support and encourage him outside of our home just as they do inside our house and yards when I am standing nearby.

I feel as though today is a turning point for E, he got a lot of his feelings out last night. His mom has a lot to take in and deal with, but I know after watching her child suffer like he did explaining how he feels, she will do this and she will do the best she can to make sure he is and feels supported 100%.

Home Depot

I think previously I had mentioned that our house has several little projects going on and none seem to be moving anywhere. I did make an effort to tackle most of those projects in question, but our house has continued to fail. Over the past 6 months or so it has literally been one thing after another.

My initial thought is-lets leave. Lets go buy a new house so we don't have to deal with all this old failing junk in our house and we can buy ourselves a few years of maintenance free living. I know this is not realistic, in my mind I could rationalize still that it is and just to be me.. I may do that on occasion. However, I know that currently this is not an option for us.

We will be living in this house for at least a few more years.

So, with that statement swallowed.... or gulped, I delve into the home improvement mode.. and start going room by room repairing what we need to repair.

Our 1st floor bathroom was without a toilet for a few months, last weekend, we replaced the toilet. Now here lies my control issue.. who can bear to look at a bathroom with a sparkly white toilet and a dated blue and gold vanity with lights that match the 70s era look??? Ya, not me. NOT AT ALL. My husband-yes.. We need to rip out the sink and replace the floor just so my mind can rest in regards to the fashion faux-pau taking place in my bathroom.

Our 2nd floor shower in not in use currently because it has been dripping into our kitchen-behind a couple cabinets. This is like the wholly grail of home owner issues to me. Water = mold, which leads to all sorts of menacing thoughts running through my brain. This will be a bigger project, likely involving our insurance and some experts to assist with the work. I envision a HUGE MESS... I try not to think about it too much.

Needless to say, the local Home Depot is our friend. The employees now recognize me and chat w the kids when we enter.. its comforting, but very sad.. ha ha..

Commitment

Ok, here goes post #2 for this round of which I have promised to focus on blogging.

Lets catch up a bit, shall we???

Still me and the 3 boys.. K-spouse, B-man-now 7, and AJ-now 6.

K is still at work a lot, he does find more time to do fun things with the kids, and they enjoy every chance they get to do something cool with dad.

B-man, now in 2nd grade. We spent a lot of last year going through testing and battling it out with his 1st grade teacher and the school. This proved to be a lot of wasted time, but this year has allowed the comfort of knowing it was all worth it. B-man was diagnosed with Aspergers syndrome (AS) last May, which has now become a diagnosis of Pervasive Development Disorder (PDD) on the Autism Spectrum.

Im not gonna lie-I liked the AS diagnosis much better that calling him Autistic. Im not biased to one or the other, but I just feel like there is less of an explanation needed for saying he has AS, versus my son is Autistic. Most peoples perception of an autistic child is very unrealistic, and not anything fitting to my child. And, as we all know-the spectrum is wide and personally in some ways-we all fit into it. But Im not a doctor, so Ill go with the rationale they used to remove a diagnosis from medical dictionaries and smush it all into one.

B-man attends weekly counseling sessions and weekly speech therapy session. He is extremely advanced in Math and Science-mainly because they are black and white and based on fact. He gets a little blurry on anything that is slightly "gray". we are currently working on helping him make friends at school, which is very challenging.

AJ, is now in kindergarten. He LOVES School, and school LOVES him. He is a mini-me, and known as quite the social butterfly at school. He is very devious, but smiles and tilts his head and all is forgotten. Its a very dangerous quality. With him growing up and now starting school we are now seeing what we missed out on with B-man. Things we thought were fairly normal for a Kindergartener or 1st grader-not so much.. Its like having a child in school has a whole new meaning for me.

I spend a lot of time feeling guilty that B-man is missing out on such fun childhood things, but then realize that he is enjoying childhood in his own way and loving every minute of it.

Keeping both kids happy and content in their own worlds is very tiresome, but since thats all I know, I will keep at it.

Until next time..

Fresh Start

Ahh... Here we go again. I am going to make a very honest effort to try and keep up with this. I know in my head, I want to, I want to have something to be able to go back and remember all the random moments in my life that have gotten me to the place I am at. I want my children to have something to reference for all those times when they dont quite believe that something actually took place. I envy other bloggers who can make the commitment to blog regularly and have all sorts of followers because people are interested in their life, although from a far and completely anonymous. I admittedly follow at least 4 blogs regularly and read them each morning like I am reading the local newpaper-why not take an extra 5 minutes at least and blog about the day prior?

I remind myself of these things regularly, and ask myself these questions constantly.

I want to do this. I clearly have an issue commiting myself to something, so I am about to vow to put my best foot forward and take this on-again.

Just to ensure I have a couple of days worth of material, I will end here for today, and tomorrow will be able to start playing catch up-yet again.

And so it begins... the fresh start to my blog about me and my boys and our WILD FAMILY moments!!